Plastered
by BOC42
Summary: After years of watching alien diplomats ogle their captain, Chakotay and Tuvok have a standing plan for removing such unwanted attention.


Paramount owns the happy crew of Voyager, I do not.

=/\=

Chakotay felt a definite sense of satisfaction and justice as Chairman Kel's head hit the sofa, bringing him down into an awkward, horizontal, and thoroughly unconscious state. Good. Unconscious diplomats couldn't make inappropriate comments, leer, or let their hands linger un-needfully.

The door to the ready room slipped open, and Chakotay turned around to find Kathryn Janeway frozen, mid-stride, staring at the tableau before her.

The door closed behind her.

There was a pause as her eyebrows moved from a frown to disbelief, and her eyes ricocheted from the prone form on her couch to her first officer.

"Chakotay, what the hell did you do?" she demanded, her pitch a bit frantic.

He shrugged and returned his attention to the mercifully silent Kerobik Chairman of Inter-species Trade and Affairs.

She was at his shoulder in less than two seconds, staring down at the Chairman. "I was only gone for twenty minutes. What did you _do?_" The captain rounded on him, grabbing his left shoulder.

He regarded her calmly. "Apparently Chairman Kel doesn't have the tolerance for alcohol that he thinks he does," he answered bluntly. In truth, the Kerobik man had an astonishing tolerance for the stuff, but honestly, he didn't really care what became of diplomatic relations between the Kerobik and the Federation, just so long as Kel kept his disgusting self several light-years away from Kathryn Janeway.

"Chakotay!" She grabbed both of his shoulders and faced off with him. "Look, I know he's a bit of a flirt, but…"

"He's married."

She stalled, but just for a second. "Unfortunately, a lot of married men are flirts. So are a lot of married women." She glanced at the selection of empty glasses on the table. "How much alcohol did you give him? He'd already had a few drinks."

He gave her an appraising look and evaded the last question. "He's a pervert," he told her flatly.

She took a steadying breath – They had both diplomatically endured several off-color remarks and steered the conversation back to trade negotiations prior to her being called to sickbay for something. "Is this really the moment for you to become so very chivalrous?"

He maintained eye contact. "In case you're interested, I usually let the unmarried diplomats you deal with off easy. It's entertaining to watch you ignore them. It's just the married ones and the complete perverts that I intervene with."

Janeway gave an exasperated sigh and snatched a tricorder from her desk, scanning Kel. "He's completely intoxicated. I was only gone for twenty minutes, Chakotay."

He gave a long-suffering sign and took the tricorder from her, snapping it shut. "In the first five minutes I found out that he has a wife and two children, but that his job provides the perks of frequent affairs with passing female aliens. Hopefully ones with power and influence, because he likes that kind of thing."

Janeway stared at him, her lips open to protest, but he shook his head hard and kept talking.

"The next five minutes I heard all about his alcoholism, and he had another glass of brandy. While he was polishing that off, he asked if you were available and into that kind of thing. I told him that was absolutely none of his business. He tried a strong beer after that, at which point he started making incredibly crude, disgusting, and misogynist cracks about you. I decided that there was no way in hell he was ever going to see you ever again, so I doctored a glass of Romulan Ale and…encouraged him to take a nap."

Janeway bit her lip and glanced back down at Kel. Chakotay could see latent protests building in her throat. Kathryn Janeway was indomitable and savvy, but she was also very aware of her position as ambassador and representative of a Federation ship that sometimes needed supplies desperately, and she would endure a lot of things she shouldn't have had to in order to keep trade negotiations open. It was these types of protest that he could see, so he took her arms and steered her several steps away from the couch and pinned her against the hand railing, looking hard at her.

"Kathryn," he said seriously, "I have no doubt that you can take care of yourself. If you took it into your mind to put Kel – or any other number of alien diplomats we've met – in his place, he would have to crawl away from the encounter. But _don't _ask me to stand by and listen to some pervert say disgusting and vile things about you, all right?"

Her mouth opened and closed a few times before "okay" made it out.

At last, she looked around Chakotay's shoulder at the drunken man. "What do we do with him?"

Chakotay glared at Kel. "Usually I call Tuvok and he handles it from here."

Janeway crossed her arms and stared at him. "'Usually?' Just how often do you do this, Chakotay?"

A half-smile tugged at his mouth. "I've done it a few times. Sometimes, once you're out of the room, men – sometimes women – will start making comments to Tuvok and I. You know – the man-to-man approach. Tuvok and I decided that those ones weren't worth wasting your time on, and they usually disappear."

Janeway looked around the room, thinking. "You mean…that Drennaran ambassador who became suddenly ill? And the Repabie president who's aunt died unexpectedly?"

The smile grew across his face. "Yes, those were a couple of them."

She closed her eyes and leaned back a bit. "But…why?"

He chuckled. "Why did I get them all drunk, or why were they eyeing you?"

Janeway shot him a filthy look. "Why were they…interested? We're just one ship, Chakotay, representing a Federation that is nearly 40,000 lightyears away from here. Getting into my good graces could hardly afford them any kind of sway with the Federation."

He tilted his head to the side, his broad smile transforming into an amused smirk. "That's _not _why they were interested, Kathryn."

"Then why?"

He shook his head and looked at the carpet before answering. "You're simply a very attractive woman."

She looked at him like he'd sprouted an extra set of arms.

Chakotay sighed again, moving his shoulders. "Some of them were just…straight up looking for a fling with any woman who would give them the time of day. But a lot of them were interested because you're attractive."

"Attractive," she repeated dully, making it sound like she was tasting sandpaper.

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment, and then met her eyes with pity. Nobody ever told her, did they? He never told her either, curse it all. "Kathryn, you are an incredibly attractive, captivating, interesting woman. They look at you over a viewscreen and see a powerful, charismatic woman. They find that attractive. And in case you haven't looked in the mirror lately, you have gorgeous blue eyes, the most incredible red hair, a hell of a jawline, and a beautiful figure. And that's it. They're sniveling idiots and can't control themselves."

He tried to say this lightly enough that she wouldn't hit him.

She didn't.

Janeway held a hand to her forehead, as if fending off a headache. Still, color rose in her cheeks at the sincere compliment. "I can take care of myself, Chakotay," she said quietly.

"I just told you I know you can. But that doesn't mean that I can't help, all right? As your first officer, as your friend, or even if you just need a convenient presence. It's not because I don't believe you can take care of yourself, it's because I care about the way you're treated."

She ducked her head and swallowed hard. "Thank you."

Chakotay stepped over to her and touched her elbow. "It's all right. Now, should we get rid of Kel?"

Janeway let out a long breath. "Yes. Call Tuvok and we'll have security send him home. I think we're done with the Kerobik."

Chakotay was visibly relieved. He raised a hand to his combadge, but Janeway pulled it away. "One more thing."

"What's that?"

Her eyes sparkled. "Next time you're planning on plastering one of my suitors, can I play too?"

=/\=

A/N: This is for that awesome man in my life that knows that I like to and can take care of myself, but would happily rid me of any pestering male annoyances I might have.


End file.
